we’re gathered here together this day to mourn the loss of a dear family member who died on thursday, august 5, 2010, on his way to the gym. on june 4, 2009, a. ipod touch, aka “itouch,” was made in china and was one of 30,000,000 2nd generation ipods born to adam and steve apple.
at the age of 16 hours, itouch was put up for adoption by his family who was unable to care for their growing offspring. on june 6, 2009, itouch was adopted by a poor family, of very little means, in new jersey, but who had an abundance of love in their hearts to welcome another device into their home.
itouch was immediately welcomed into the family, although he did experience a bout of sibling rivalry with the eldest child. however, once she saw all the cool things itouch could do, they learned to co-exist in peace and harmony.
itouch’s mom was very protective of him and he was affectionately called a momma’s boy. he followed his mother everywhere and unfortunately for him, he followed her to his death. the cause of death listed on the death certificate was shock. below is a statement released by his mother who recounts their final moments together:
we were on our way to the gym and i suggested we stop to use the bathroom so we could exercise without interruption. sometimes i can be like the energizer bunny and i hate to stop my workout, not even for a whiny bladder.
i walked into the bathroom with my mp3 player in one hand and itouch in the other hand. i’m not sure what happened, but my hand to eye coordination was interrupted and i found myself juggling both devices in the air. that’s when itouch was hit with a surge of energy and did a slow motion somersault dive out of my hand and into the toilet.
as soon as he left my hand and i saw that open bowl, i knew the outcome was not going to be in his favor. believe me when i say all of this happened within 3 seconds, from start to finish.
after realizing my beloved itouch was in the toilet, i split in half, literally (i still have the scar on my chest where i was stitched back together). i looked at my other half and my other half looked at me and said one of us has to save him. my other half suggested i had to go in and get him since i just completed my cpr re-certification, and so i did.
a long arm in the shape of a lighting bolt grew out of my back and on the count of 1, my hand was in and out of there so fast, not even the water moved. immediately, i wrapped him in hand towels to keep him from going into shock, and i feared it was too late, but told him everything would be okay.
i then delivered three shocks to itouch and watched as he convulsed and flickered several times before i finally clocked his time of death at 6:44 a.m.
R.I.P., man. you have no choice.
in lieu of flowers, hugs, kisses, pitiful looks, remedies, well wishes, but keeping it real, please send money, the kind that folds, to the: i need a new freaking ipod touch fund.